Humor, Reviews

Trolls: Dull Troll Doll Trash

Another film I did not pick. I had to suffer through it instead of watching Werckmeister harmóniák [Werckmeister Harmonies]. Endure then my anathema.

One of the first things I noticed is that the trolls are a weird allegory for middle class American college students. When the princess is told that “The world is not all cupcakes and rainbows,” she replies that she would prefer to think of it that way. One cannot help but think of the college liberals who inevitably find out that the U.S. participates in shady shit worldwide and choose to ignore it because it does not affect their daily lives, so they are satisfied distracting themselves with The Big Bang Theory and The Walking Dead. The trolls are also made of ecstasy. That could have been fun, but it is not explored very much.

Moving on, this movie’s logic is contradictory. The bergens understand love but not happiness, yet the movie equates love to happiness. Even analytic philosophers could figure that one out. There are plenty of emotions which are conceptually-mediated; happiness is not one of them. What Hegel terms dumb animals—i.e. animals which lack the capability for questioning the essence of being—even know when they are happy.

Next, this world is evil. This is Peter Singer’s utilitarian dream. If we were to run the utilitarian calculus, we would find that the bergens get more happiness from eating the trolls than the trolls get by living. It would be immoral, Singer would argue, to stop the bergens from eating the trolls. Obviously, I am not a utilitarian, but it is something to consider.

Now onto the obligatory part of my review regarding the unnecessary racism. If you do not like that I keep bringing up casual racism in modern movies for kids, blame Hollywood for continuing to inject it into movies for kids. The bergens are depicted as dumber than the aforementioned dumb animals or the prelinguistic children for whom these movies are meant. Also, the girl bergen has stereotypically ghetto mannerisms. I honestly do not know what this movie is trying to say, if anything, but I find these stereotypes nonetheless vacuous.

If this were a just world, the trolls’ unrestrained hedonism would have doomed their race. The movie should have ended after the Zen Buddhist (voiced by intolerable pseudo-leftist Russell Brand) betrayed everyone in the only act that logically fits because Zen Buddhists do not care about the world or human life since Zenlightenment is detachment from everything. These creatures deserve to be eaten.

Antonio Wolf kept asking, “Why is that one troll a Jamaican giraffe? Why is that other troll British? Why is that other troll auto-tuned? Why is that other troll a worm? Why does that other troll shit glitter? Stupid, illogical children’s film.” He asked these standard questions because the film is content bankrupt. It may be deplorable, but at least Zootopia has a message. This is just another excuse to sell toys to prepubertal kids. Also the song choices are fine, but the covers are terrible. In summation, each day we get further away from God’s love.


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